For some, relationships come so easy. For others, it seems so hard. Like an unsolvable equation. How do I get someone I love to stay? How do I not fuck up my next relationship? Why can’t I just communicate? Am I not good enough? Or is this person not good enough for me? Am I even worth loving? If I commit, will I be heartbroken again? If I commit, will I break another heart? What is wrong with me? Will it ever just work out in my favor?
I grew up with the example of parents who both loved each other passionately, and hated each other’s guts. My parents seemed to be made for each other, but also set in destroying one another. So much love and so much pain.
I guess that’s why I centered my life around mastering that unsolvable equation. My 10,000, 20,000… 100,000 hours at the chalkboard – working it out. Harmony. Between a man and a woman.
How?
What formula results in this outcome? What makes a relationship not only work, but thrive?
I guess you’re waiting to read now that I’ve cracked the code. That all these years of working in this field, with couples, theorizing, experimenting – going through my own deeply, painful relationships - that I’ve discovered something extraordinary.
The answer. The secret.
Some profound truth.
And the answer is…
No. I haven’t.
I want to say there’s some magic formula that will attract exactly the right person for you. That will make you unwavering in communication. That will make you unafraid of vulnerability. That will guarantee a happy ever after.
But the “profound” truth is that loving somebody is a gamble. Bearing yourself, your heart – attaching to someone who matters to you – there is no formula to predict with 100% certainty.
Even if you found your “perfect” match, they could die.
That is the fragility of life and… love.
It’s what gives life and love meaning. The fragility of it all.
And so… After all these years spent gaining “expertise“, the secret is knowing that you could be rejected, abandoned, fuck it up, not be good enough.
You could lose.
And that it will hurt.
But you do it anyway.
And you get triggered and hurt and angry. You cry. You say things you don’t mean. You come up against it.
And you apologize. Grow. Change. Evolve.
You learn from your mistakes and you go again.
Because the only point there ever was, was to share your life with someone you love.
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